Motivational quotes that ruined my life

You probably have got these mails. The cheesy, feel good ones, the ones that are supposed to motivate you. If you are smart, you delete them. If you are smarter, you format your mailbox to get rid of the putrescence they leave behind. But if you are me, you wreck your life trying to implement that trash in your life.

There was I, a newbie internet user, so awed by its splendour that I literally worshipped it. I was one of those assholes who forward every damn message they receive to every damn contact in their mailbox. That day too, I was leeching company's resources, reading my mails morning to night, intriguing my boss, about what kept me busy with absolutely no work at all. So I stumble across this one, nothing different about it, same harmless format, same tiresome list of other people it had been forwarded to, but it had a catchy tag line.

It promised to change my life in a week. So without exception, I forwarded it to every douchebag populating my address book, and sat back to actually read it. It had those so called motivational quotes, 7 of them, and it urged me to apply one everyday and see the "magical change" it brings to my life. And boy, didn't I love to see magic happen...So right next day, I woke all charged up, waiting to put the learnings into practice.

Day 1: "Be the change that you want to see in the world." Mohandas Gandhi

Before going to office, popped in 3 viagra pills, I wanted everyone to be as horny as me.

My gigantic boner invited curious looks, some of admiration, others of abomination but no one appeared to be turned on by my initiative. And by the time I was convincing Mr Stiffo to subside, sniggers had turned to laughter and laughter to derision. In no time, I was surrounded by philistines, who accused me of being a regular sex offender. Just one slip-off and they are ready to brand me!!!Gandhi certainly must be laughing his ass off in hell , watching me getting humiliated.

Day 2 (actually night): "Formula for success: under promise and over deliver."

I told my nymph of a girlfriend, I cant screw her tonight, throw in some shit about my self respect and managed to coerce her. Then in the middle of the night, when she's sleeping like a stone, I try to rape her. The only success I got was getting my nuts kicked so hard that for next to days, I was walking like a frightened geisha.

Day 3: "Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night."

Unsure of what the passion of my life was, I decided to try every passionate thing until I struck the right chord. First I decided, I would try my hands at painting. Despite the fact that I had never held a paintbrush in my hand, I asked my girl to strip down. I was going to paint her Titanic style. All I came up was a hideous corpse-like portrait, following which my girl silently dressed herself up and left the house, presumably forever.

Still I was not going to be deterred, this time I zeroed on cookery. There was a pet cat my girl owned and I detested it. So I decided to check its edibility. I poured some salt and lemon juice on it, and just before it realized my intentions, locked it in a microwave, and switched it on full temperature. Till 30 seconds, all I heard was ear shattering screams (microwaves heat inside out, so probably it's internal organs were getting nuked), Miss kitty was clawing the oven's window with all her might. Then the heat made the way to its skin set its hair ablaze..There was a fucking fireball in my oven. Before it could damage my oven anymore, I snatched it out and threw it out of my apartment windows. The retching smell it left behind, killed my appetite for days to come.

This was all the passion I could handle for the day.Plus all the bloody mess that wretched cat left behind kept me on my toes for most of the day.

Day 4 : "There is no such thing as bitter truth"

Strange day. If there ever was a record in offending most people in a single day, I broke it by leaps. Here are a few conversations that took place that day.

My dame : Do I look pretty in her dress???

I: No you look like a 3$ whore. But if you clip the top button, you might make 5 bucks.

Irritating colleague: So would you come to my son's birthday party??

I : Hell no! That vindictive son of a bitch bit my hand last time I was at your place. The only way I am coming to your place is if you have him leashed.

And then there was this sycophant colleague, who never ceased to flatter boss man. He carps on and on, sir the product launch has been done, sir I booked your flight, sir I arranged the papers....Well I reined my horses as long as I could, but then I finally told him to suck boss's balls all he wanted, but not while I was there. That was one more truth (unsure about its flavour) and one less person to oblige.

Day 5: "Take the time today to tell your friends the difference they have made to your life."

Logically, I should have taken the day off and mended those rusted old friendships. But since I don't have many friends and the ones I have seldom take my calls, this one was a cakewalk.

Friend #1 : Yes asshole, what do you want now???

Me : I wanted to thank you for all the difference you have made to my life...

Friend #1 : Oh, I thought this was about me screwing your girl, thanks man, you too make huge difference in my life, although I still haven't any clue about what it is.

Line goes blank.

Me: Hey man whats up, just called to tell you how much difference you make to my life...

Friend#2: Holy shit dude, you still alive!!! We thought you were a goner when we left you drunk on the interstate...

Me: Fucker so it was you!!! all these years I was wondering about those crushed ribs. Asshole, you better start running for your life, before my bat makes way up your ass.

Line goes dead.

A few more calls and I realized the differences my so called friends made to my life....

One asswipe snuffed my pet dog to make a porn flick when I thought that it ran away,

other had filched my sex doll,

and there was one responsible for the botched up tattoo on my back. The only difference these fuckers made to my life was to make it worse...

Day 6 : "Only those who dare to climb reach new heights"

This one got me all pumped up. Ever since I was a kid, I was an expert climber. Climbing rooftops and spying people was my favourite hobby. So I located the tallest tree in the neighbourhood and set forth to conquer it. A little above the half way, I come across a baby monkey, and it got my pulse running. Not only was I going to conquer the tree, there was a monkey to molest too. Things couldn't have got any better. Or so I thought. The moment I grabbed the monkey, and unzipped my fly, a motley of monkeys gathered around me. My benign love for monkey was misunderstood. Claws penetrated flesh, hands were waved and some monkeys got their ass whooped in the process. Just when I was about to deliver a winning blow, a bugger gouged my eye. I landed back first on the ground, with a lost eye, several bruised ribs and an unquenched boner.

And while I lay there, broken, defeated and blind in one eye, a lots of maybes crept in my mind. For instance, maybe these quotes weren't meant to redeem incorrigible souls like me, or maybe these weren't the musings of some larger than life saints. Hell for all I knew, some stoned junkie might have scribbled those shoddy quotes on a used toilet paper to fool gulibles like me. So what did these 6 days teach me??? Don't be a quixotic asshole. All these fancy emails may give you a laugh or two while loitering at workplace, but that's that. If you attempt to redeem your life based on this crap, you might as well ask the motley of monkeys, I tried to rape to be your spiritual guru.

In case you are wondering what the last quote in the mail was, don't worry, I am not planning to keep you in dark. Mocking my efforts of last six days, it read "Live everyday in your life as it's like your last."