Memoirs of a fidayeen, who never was one

Day: -231

The explosion took most of my so called house. Nothing new there. Every house was being blown up. Was only a matter of time before fate caught up with me. Great thing I was trying to make shit at that time. Eating too many newspapers had constipated me and all my efforts to make shit were rendered futile. Then suddenly I hear this explosion and see the tin-shed falling upon me. Constipated or not, my sphincter lost control. Last thing I remember was that blissful feeling of loosing everything....

Day: -230

Regained consciousness, literally find myself in deep shit. House turned to rubble. Hear my little retard bro crying from under the debris. Of all sane people, only this retard managed to survive. Not on my watch. Place a couple of heavy boulders where cries had been coming from. Cries cease after a while. Did something pinch my conscience?? I guess not. Manage to salvage a half dead lamb from the wreck.

Day: -220

Been hungry since a week. That lamb didn't last 4 days. Anyway with all those flies and stink, it was hardly edible. Reached a slum. Also found a garbage dump to live in.Was kind of difficult at first, but then I got used to the stink and now I can say that it's like being on a vacation. You sleep all day and then every other hour one dipshit or another dumps enough crumbs for you to devour. I love it here and I think I will be spending rest of my life in this dump. Except warding off the dogs, it's an effortless life.

Day: -200

A week and a half and already lost two dumpsters to bullies. Have managed to hold on to third one since a week. Even managed to bolster security around this one. Befriended dogs. They bark at even remote possibility of intrusion. And then pieced some metals together to make a pointed jagged weapon. The next one trying to displace me will be a blind motherfucker.

Day: -190

Approached by a talib. All my safeguards rendered futile. Dogs kicked off, my weapon went down the drain and I was pinned down mercilessly. I thought the fucker was going to rape me. So I put up my next best defence and curl up in foetal position. He spat at me disgustedly and said he had an offer for me. I agreed on anything that didn't involve getting butt raped.

Day: -189

That talib is taking me and two other kids from the same slum to some "recruitment camp." One of these kids is Javed, the guy who extorted my first dumpster. The third one is still anonymous. He spoke too little and cried a lot. And since I and Javed slapped him every time he sobbed, no lifelong friendships in that front. Javed is the slickest chum amongst us, and the fact that he claims to own 7 dumpsters in my slum has got him in my list of awesome people.

Day: -187

Finally manage to reach "the camp." Nothing but a dilapidated building with a many cells, presumably a former prison.

The three of us are crammed in a single cell. As if lack of personal space is not enough, we have to see each other shit and pee. The only thing keeping me and Javed sane was our common hatred for the third one, who still remains anonymous. Everything he does somehow offends our senses, and we have taken upon ourselves to fix him up. This includes roughing him up occasionally, kicking him in guts whenever we make way to upper bunks and when he's well into his sleep, choking him with pillow

Day: -130

Spent two months in this devil's asscrack. Passing every day in same perfunctory manner. Waking up early. Learning how to fire rifles(magnum is my best), throwing dummy grenades, then sometimes live ones too. Fumes have ravaged my nostrils and somehow they make way to my brain, making me dumber every passing day. And I guess I am partially deaf now.

Occasionally some old fart, adept at yelling gibberish in Pushto, tries to acquaint us with the"Talib way of life."

While most of the shit beats me, so far I have gathered that these talibs are a bunch of cool eunuchs, who blow stuff up cause it makes them feel macho. A couple of hundred talibs like to hole up in caves together, wanking each other. And when they finally manage to get it stiff, they screw any moving thing except women. They keep women for slaying purposes only.

Day: -127

Me, Javed and Naveed (5 gut kicks and he spits his name out) have now been "promoted" to a solitary cell. Although it is no different than the normal cell, but here the ones who will see us shit would be ourselves. Also got some palatable food in months.

There's this old, bearded ninja sort of talib who dresses in all black and tells us that we are no ordinary guys. We have got some greater purpose. Needless to say, in the coming days, there will be pep talk about blowing up something, bullshit about some higher cause and how virgins will greet us in heaven. Fucker thinks we can't see through it.

These dolts have come up with a super slick plan. It's so slick that we are almost redundant, but we will still be sacrificed. Talk about iniquity. We have to pose as help boys in this exuberant hotel. Find the points of maximum damage and detonate OURSELVES there.

I wonder how inept you have to be to be a talib. When I asked if we could simply place a box of explosives there, it kind of pissed him of. He cursed me for 5 minutes in pushto, and then ordered 30 lashes for such insolence. And 30 lashes not only make you believe in allah, but whole fucking justice league.

Day: -51

Boy this hotel is a premium funky place. First day and I fell in love with this hotel. It's just like the dumpster sans dogs and fears of getting raped. These super hot western chicks are so naive they will believe in anything. Stories of explosions, talibs and indigence kind of titillates them. There was this journalist chick whose baggage I helped to offload to her room. She asked what a young boy liked me was doing in a place like that (Standard question from paedophiles).

I cooked up a story that involved brutal rape, gruesome murder, exploitation and a lifetime of destitution. She goes all wet and embraces me between her titts. Wow if heaven's half the euphoria this hug carries, I would gladly die thousand times...

Day: 0 Time 1123

Have you ever woken up with a feeling that this day would be the most miserable one of your life and it really did??? I didn't, but the day just turned out to be that. I was as exultant as ever, serving these white folks in such a servile manner that even the most seasoned waiters would puke. And there came Javed with a news that literally caught me by my balls. Tells me that the talib operator has arrived and wants to see us in his room. Terror crept under my skin and I was shaking terribly.

I asked Javed to get Naveed. I told the two that I had no intentions of fucking blowing myself for these shithead fanatics. Javed agreed, Naveed stared blankly, so I presumed that the mute asshole agreed too.

Day: 0 Time 1312

The talib hands us three jackets, concealing explosives underneath. One for each of us. He wants us to detonate ourselves near the central gas pipe, located in kitchen. Needless to say, the entire hotel will be wrecked. Since we were very likely to face obstructions, he handed us baby eagles, the sleekest 9mm ever built.

The guns were already loaded and the safeties were off. If there was once a moment in my life when I didn't feel like a spineless worm, it was now. I shot the talib operator from point blank. My gun had a silencer. Then how come I hear a loud bang and it's echo??? And why is there seething pain in my belly??? I look down. I had been gut shot. Fucking gut shot. I look behind. Naveed is holding his own baby eagle. Javed's down. Head shot.

This is the first time I am seeing Naveed grinning. Sensing a big fucking 'what the fuck' in my eyes, he fulminates "You bullies have dominated me enough, this is my chance at redemption and I won't let you spoil it. I will be the one carrying out allah's volitions."

Picking the three explosive jackets and 9mms he wished us to rot in hell.

Of all the times the fucker chose this one to express all the repressed emotions. Good for talibs, they managed to brain-wash at least one of us. And good for Naveed, these delusions will lift up his spirits for the first and the last time. As for me, this blanket of death's engulfing me. I am wondering how long does it take for all this blood to drain to zilch.

Day: 0 Time 1350

I am still alive and can hear the intermittent bangs. Did any bullet carry Naveed's name?? I wish several did. The approaching death doesn't cleanse your soul. That's bull crap. I am as bitter as I always was and I wished those bullets blow up Naveed's balls. Whether that happens or not, I am still a lost cause.

Day: 0 Time 1410

Just heard the loudest bang of all. It was louder than the one that snuffed away my family. And then there was another. I think the gas line ruptured and caught fire. The hotel is crumbling. For a few seconds there was just dust blinding me, then came pebbles which were irritating but still tolerable. And last came the big daddies, the boulders. The last thing I remember was a death shaped boulder (you'll know what it means when one comes for you) coming for my head. Ironically my sphincter was under my control and it still was when my head was zapped.

Day: 1

Afterlife. The word that instils enough fear in us mortals to fuck up our present life. Life was a bumpy ride, but I still managed to sneak my way to heaven. Javed was here. So was Naveed, but after a brief period of scepticism, he decided to ignore us. And yes there were virgins too, but these were virgin goats. I ate mine on the very first day, before some fanatic left his jizz inside it.

Prophet says, white dudes took all the good looking chicks with them. He calls for another Jihad.

He is approaching every dude (yes talib heaven is a strictly male institute) exhorting them for Jihad. All he got from me was a kick in the nuts. Tough luck, he can't kill me and I would love it if he declare me an outcast. But he simply walks away, guess this has happened to him more than once...A long afterlife lies ahead. That's bad. Still worse is the fact that I am out of plans about how to lead it. Guess I should start by kicking Naveed's ass. That backstabbing asshole ought to be taught a lesson. And if that sham of a prophet decides to take him under his wing, god help him I will bash his ass too.....