A Stuttering Love Story - Part 1

"I am a different man in the company of a woman." - Jester of Sodomia

PROLOGUE

I truly am but this fact was rotting somewhere at the back of mind, coming to fore some 3 months back. The realization that I hadn't slept with a woman for more than a year and that the porn I had been watching daily wasn't as rousing as it used to be, was having a depressing effect on me. Somewhere in last days of June, I decided to dive back into the game I had eschewed long ago- the Dating game.

My past trysts with this game had been disappointing. Either I got too attached, or I was completely detached, but I had never been able to woo a girl to bed, or rather, I couldn't put across to girls that I wanted to fuck them real bad. So even if any mutual attraction existed, it gradually dimmed to friendship, and ultimately extinguished (I am particularly bad at being friends with girls).

In Delhi, it hadn't been much of a problem, whores were aplenty. Indore, as a city wasn't as courteous. Even the locals were doubtful if any brothels existed there. But that didn't mean that my situation was hopeless. Unlike the undergrad hostels, postgrad hostels placed no restrictions on timings, or movement of boys and girls in premises. And since you weren't sharing the room with anyone, as long as you had a consenting girl, you could make some everlasting magic in your 10'*8' room. But that 'as long as' was a long shot.

CHOICE

The first step, naturally, was to find a girl to woo. Even if in my imaginarium, I had fucked every second girl on campus, I had to be careful about whom I was going to approach. Not too introvert (any sudden approach would raise her hackles), not too outgoing (trouble finding her alone in first place) and without moral inhibitions (few hangups about getting physical). In the next few days, I was sizing the girls who fit this bill. Apparently, those who did were already taken. Except one -SB. We knew each other by face - she used to date my neighbor in first year hostel. I had seen her fluttering around his room in cute short knickers and she had seen me working out outside my room countless number of times, but we were never formally introduced. However, in 4th term, we ended up having many subjects in common.

She was a bit of front bencher - a place people usually dreaded. So she used to sit out alone, sitting duck for predators like me (much later, I would be eating my own words - the role reversed big time). In the next lecture, I talked myself into sitting next to her. I pretended to be very attentive to the lecture, occasionally answering the questions professor asked, taking notes in my best handwriting - basically trying everything to make sure she notices me. She was an athletic nerd - a jazz dancer, a cyclist, yoga freak (with a body to kill for) and one of the college toppers. She knew that I too, was no slob when it came to fitness. So I figured, if I presented myself as one of studious types, 'similar-to-me bias' will kick in, and she will become more receptive of me.

By the time lecture was over, we still hadn't exchanged a word. I kept my mouth shut, as when I am unsure of things, I make a fool of myself by talking. I hoped that, we'll become more communicative in next few classes. When I stepped out of the hall, it was raining in typical Indori fashion, 5 steps into that rain and you will be drenched inside-out. As usual I left my umbrella in my room. Luckily for me, SB was standing right beside me, taking her umbrella out of her bag.

"Can you share the umbrella? I forgot to bring mine." I asked, glad that finally words were spoken between us.

"Sure, how about you carry it," she said as she handed hers to me.

We walked in silence towards the hostel. I was careful that she didn't get a drop on her, even if it meant that half my shoulder was getting doused.

As I stepped under a roofed area, I returned her the umbrella.

"Thanks SB." I said, as I walked away in my stiff yet agile gait, not waiting to see whether she was flattered or creeped out by the fact that I knew her name without her telling me. The choice had been made.

ASSISTANCE - WITH SPECIAL THANKS TO VIKAS (30th June)

After I managed to repeat the 'sit next to her' stunt a couple of more times, I broke the news about my plans about SB to my sage friend, who had his ways of befriending any girl in 5 minutes.

"Hmmm...so when are you asking her out?" he asked.

"When my balls give a green signal." I quipped.

"Don't wait too long, she's going on exchange program to Germany next term." he patted my shoulder as he told.

Fuck!!! my 'to be' love story came with an expiry date. I looked at him in bewilderment and just nodded so to conceal my disappointment.

I spent the night raking my brains about how to ask her out. When I woke up all groggy, my sage friend was waiting outside my door. In a rather quick string of words, he told me that SB is not dating anyone currently, and won't mind meeting me.

Last night's sleeplessness doubled my WTF expression.

"How did you manage that?", I blurted in my confusion.

"On chat." he shrugged his shoulders as he replied, as if it was a the most natural thing.

"What am I supposed to do now?" I asked.

"Ask her out for real, what else."

BLUES - WHY DON'T YOU LET ME BE (30th June - 9 July)

I let the entire day pass away in dallying the task at hand. At night, while I was having dinner in the mess with my friends, SB was sitting a few tables away, opposite to me. She and I caught each other's eye and our gazes stayed locked for more than decent amount of time. Any doubts about sage pulling my leg were instantly dissipated. I wolfed down the dinner and paced the corridor for half an hour, wondering what exactly should I say to her. Finally, I decided to ask her for good old fashioned walk. Too gutless to call her up, I texted if she wanted to go for a walk.

"It's too late, I am about to hit the bed. Maybe later." she replied.

Well, she didn't tell me to fuck off, so I wasn't disappointed. Rather than asking her out again next day, I waited for two days to pass. I wanted to keep desperation at bay at least initially. After 2 days, with a quivering heart, I called her and invited for a walk. This time she agreed promptly.

We rambled on for next one and a half an hour, chatting about interests (which we had many in common), places traveled, people pissed, and scenery as it appeared. I am usually a poor talker, but that night, words flowed smoothly between us. When I came back, my friends, who know my clumsiness with girls, smiled their cunning smiles and asked, "So, What happened?"

"We walked and talked, and she has great stamina for walking."

A loud laughter followed, as they connected stamina in general to stamina in bed.

Sensing that I didn't have much to offer them, they moved on to other things to make fun of.

On the next walk, that took place after another two days, we went to a secluded and rather dark vantage point in campus that overlooks Indore city. SB stepped on a platform that paralleled the railing and started walking on it in a rhythmic movement, probably reminiscing the dance steps she used to practice. I walked beside her on the ground, dwarfed almost by a foot. (Was it a subconscious move to demonstrate who was boss? - probably I am thinking too much).

SB asked me a question, I couldn't make sense of, "What are your plans for the future?"

"An easy 9 to 5 job that leaves me with sufficient time to pursue my hobbies," I told her almost automatically.

"So, when do you plan to settle?" she asked.

"I don't have any such plans. I want to live in this mode till I am 40 and then commit suicide." I told.

"Probably on sleeping pills and carbon monoxide, I would hate to die a painful death." I added as an afterthought.

She nodded, trying to sink in an answer she wasn't expecting.

"You know, you should count your blessings whenever thought of suicide comes to your mind." Thus began the lecture.

"Even if I don't get the job I love, or I meet an accident and get handicapped, I would love to keep on living for the sake of people I hold dear."

"Then I guess, I am one of the selfish kind, I would rather see myself dead than rotting, even if it means inflicting pain to my dear ones." This dialogue came straight from the heart. I hated to imagine myself getting old and useless.

"Hmmmm..." she pondered.

"To each one his own I guess," she added.

An awkward silence hung in the air for a while. I decided to break it. "What are your plans once you get through college?"

"Earn some money, repay my loan, get married in another 3 years," she told.

I winced at the M word, but not enough for her to see.

"To each one his own I guess," I said as we headed back to our hostel rooms.

I seemed to have hit a wall with SB after that walk. My attempts to spend time with her were rebutted with excuses of assignments and eating out. After almost a week of last walk, I caught hold of SB on lunch  table, where she simply nodded to my presence, and kept herself deliberately engrossed in eating her lunch. Not a meaningful word exchanged between us. I was completely ignored and although I hate to admit, it hurt me.

That night, I called SB, and asked if something was bothering her, and how her ignoring me sure bothered me a hell lot. There was a 10 second (could have been 3 seconds- but it seemed pretty long to me) pause on the other side. She was weighing her words carefully.

"Ankit, remember when I asked you about your future plans?" she asked.

"I do."

"I was hinting about what you had in mind, whether you were looking for commitment & relationship. Because I can't enter into a relationship at all. I have my reasons." She said in a single breath.

Shocked as I was, I blurted incoherently about how her grace and free spirit (she didn't mind telling people to fuck off on their face if they pissed her off) attracted me to her and made me approach her. If she didn't want to be in a relationship, it was fine with me. I hung up, surprisingly feeling less hurt than I thought I should have been. In fact I was glad that for once in my life I took a shot at girl, even if I missed by miles. 

Next day, for a change, she invited me for a walk, probably to check if I was seething with anger towards her. I wasn't, so the walk didn't turn out to be a drudge. Both of us pulled it as normally as we could, making sure that there was at least a foot of distance between us.

My friends, who knew about my inexperience with girls, tried to cheer me up, recounting their own failures and the futility of pursuing girls. (Ironically, the Sage was going on date on same night).

If it ended then and there, both of us would have gone on living in the pleasant indifference we were living in earlier. But my lady luck was pissed at me for some reason. It couldn't bear to see me happy, so she made sure that SB and I cross paths again.

A Stuttering Love Story - Part 2

TROUBLES THAT CAN'T BE WISHED AWAY (25th July)

In the next 2 weeks neither of us called each other. An occasional 'hi' in our common classes was the only interaction we had.

Then suddenly, after two weeks, I got a message from SB asking me if I wanted to go for a swim.

"Where the fuck did that come from?" was the first thought.

"She wants to see me naked." was the second thought, and it delighted me.

I had expired my swimming membership a few days ago, so I declined, but asked, if we could meet for dinner, which she agreed to.

For me, it was a signal that she wasn't as disinterested in me as she had shown earlier.

We had the dinner mostly in silence and set out for....take a guess....walk.

"I got drunk in the afternoon today, not as much as I wanted to." She told.

Hmmm...I nodded. Unsure about how to respond to it.

"What's happening in your life?" She asked.

"The usual bits of everything -novels, exercise, and yes, these days my friends and I are shooting cans with ball." I told. It was her turn to look incredulously at me.

We reached our usual vantage point and fooled around for a while.

She seemed to be outwardly cheerful that day. She showed me how to make a bridge with body, by throwing the hands backwards. Not to be outdone (and disregarding my rule about no exercise after meal) I showed her how to walk on hands. We were happy. No better time to set the record straight.

She was standing on the platform looking into the horizon, beyond city lights. I too climbed and stood beside her.

"Hey listen." I said, trying to get her attention.

"I am pretty bad at reading signals, so I think I should say it upfront."

"I want you to know that I still have feelings for you." the toughest 12 words I spoke in a long time.

"I had been attracted to you for a long time, and it's difficult for me to get over it."

A dreadful silence followed. She was weighing her words carefully.

"I have been in relationships before, and they has never ended well for me." She said in a wispy, almost cracking voice. She was on verge of crying.

"In fact, I had met the person I thought I would marry. Then I decided to come to this shithole place, and lost him. Forever. I still talk to him sometimes, but I won't ever get back with him," she went on.

"Why's that?" I asked, not really curious, but iffy about what to talk about.

"There are some problems that don't have any solution," she said, now actually crying. I thought that it would have been a perfect moment to have 'Rouya' playing in the background.

She was looking straight into the horizon and crying. I could just see her profile. Her kohl had dissolved in the tears, leaving a dark tear trail. Her nose ring shone in the moonlight. She looked so beautiful that I could have kissed her at that moment. But I stood breathless.

"I am sorry that you fell for the wrong girl," she said, rubbing her tears off with her arm, leaving behind a streak of kohl on her sleeve.

"I am not," I replied and somehow I meant it at that instant.

In midst of her tears, she let out a chuckle that I couldn't interpret.

I was pretty happy with myself, thinking that I had handled the situation quite tactfully. On our way back to hostel, I made a dreadful mistake that I wish I hadn't. I am still not sure how much it cost me later, but I think it was quite a lot.

Since SB was insistent that she couldn't be in a relationship, I told her that she was too precious to lose as a friend. My thinking was that I had been too direct when I approached her as a lover. Probably if I came across as a bearable friend, she would ease up to me, and I would graduate to lover subsequently. Foolish move I made.

EMBARRASSING DEEDS (26th July - 5th Aug)

The tearful stroll had warmed SB towards me. She began having lunch with me, whenever our classes permitted and chatted more than usual. Once when she won a bet with me, she wanted me to take her out for lunch and drinks. Was her aversion to dating melting??

To try my luck further, I did what sage used to do, get a girl to your room under certain pretense, like meal or dessert. I stocked a few chocolates and once after lunch, invited SB back to my room. She agreed and accompanied me, but seemed a little scared to enter my room.

The stunts I had been pulling in the corridor (bashing people on their birthdays, odd exercises) had earned me notorious nicknames like terrorist and madman, so her reluctance was understandable. Even when she entered, she seemed to be in a jiffy. Not bothering to sit, she made the usual noises about how chocolate will make her fat, as if I was shoving it down her throat. As soon as she was done with the chocolate, she hurried back, leaving me perplexed.

It was during this time that my behavior started deviating from usual. When my friends tried to usurp the chocolates I had been stocking, I barked, "Bhenchodon, bandi ke liye rakhi hui hain yeh (Sister fuckers, I am saving these for the girl)." Now this came from a person who never made any distinction between his stuff and his friends'. Fortunately the fuckers took it in a good stride, and commented, "Bandi aadmi se kya kya karwa deti hai (The things women make men do...)."

That same night, I was practicing shots (shooting cans with a tennis ball- a game that keeps our dumbasses busy for half a day) with Ganya (the best shooter in the campus). I was in my usual attire - only shorts. My clothing habits have been formed on territorial psychology - i.e. in my territory (hostel block), I am permitted to wear whatever I want. The fact that other people were using the same corridor had stopped bothering me long ago. They could change their passage if they wanted, but I wasn't going to wear a shirt. All it took to test my obstinacy was a sight of SB walking down the corridor. I fucking ran to the room- yes, no graceful departure - a full blooded sprint to grab my t-shirt.

Later I get a text from her, "I was going to the mess when I saw you and you ran away, what was up with that?"

My social clumsiness spelled a disaster for me.

THE FIRST REAL DATE??? (10th Aug)

I couldn't meet SB for the next 4 days. She had her excuses of looming assignment/ project deadines. I was happy as long as I got average grades, so was mostly unconcerned about studies. These 4 days were spent having text monologues with SB. The conversation was wordy from my side, and almost curt from hers.

Then on 10th Aug, I get a B'day message from SB. Not being on facebook means that I escape wrath of the people I had bashed on their birthdays. So this message of hers was a pleasant surprise. Rather than thanking, I asked her how she came to know about the date?

"Student directory," came a matter-of-fact reply.

That she made effort to unearth my birthday made me feel lucky. I called and asked her to go out for dinner with me. She agreed. With luck on such a free run, I expected to shit a gold bar that morning. Sadly no such thing happened.

After my friends conducted the evening ritual of defacing me with cake and dragging me around the mess, I was ready for my evening date. For first time in months I ironed a dark colored shirt (so sweat patches don't show), borrowed jeans from a friend (mine had turned into rags) and cleaned my dusty old shoes to make myself presentable.

We were supposed to take the college bus to a restaurant. Dressed in tight skin hugging jeans and a sleeveless frilly pink dress, when she walked her wavy walk towards the bus, I had to climb after her, so she couldn't see my legs shaking. Such was her effect on me.

I took her to a restaurant called 'Mashaal', which SB had decided. Betraying its name, the place was actually quite upscale. Beyond the main hotel, were the open air shacks, providing an exquisite view of the city and a chilly setting. We sat on a hidden table and ordered drinks, beer for me, breezer for her. I hadn't touched liquor in past 9 months, and it felt good to be back to old habits.

"Cheers to us," she said and we clinked our bottles.

As I set my bottle on the table, she glowered in mock anger, "Fucker, you aren't supposed to place glass es immediately after toast." I apologized, glad to learn a new etiquette lesson.

I had trouble keeping my eyes off of her. When I told this to her, a sliver of smile broke on her face. Either liquor was making me chattier, or it was breaking her inhibitions. Emboldened, I got poetic (or faggy) with her.

"You know, you've got damn expressive eyes." I told her.

"That's probably because of the kohl I wear." she replied promptly, so promptly that I thought she had heard this compliment before.

"And this nose ring really looks good on you." I said, realizing immediately, how lame the dialogue was, but not really caring.

"Yeah, it makes me look mature, without it, I will look like a school girl," came another prompt reply.

When the food came, it only intensified the banter. A Punjabi foodie by nature, she had strong opinions about food, which didn't match with mine. Our eating habits were polar opposite, and we were debating each other within the bounds civility permitted us.

By the time, we made it back to the bus, her eyes were drowsy. Sitting beside her, pretending to be curious, I took her hand in mine, commenting how I could count all 5 veins at the back of her hand, and then adding, how soft her hands were. I was going to exhaust my stock of compliments that night.

"Yeah, some people have sense not to do manual labor....and use a bit of body lotion every now and then," she replied, insinuating the roughness of my hands.

"Since when have you been holding hands with laborers?" I asked, raising my brows in mock surprise.

"Well, since the time a laborer took me out for dinner," she smiled back, biting her lower lip, settling once and for all that she had answer for everything.

INSOMNIA (11th Aug - 18th Aug)

During one of our cycling trips, SB asked me told me how she had booked a Delhi flight ticket for 11th Sep and that her subjects will end on 4th Sep. She was in a dilemma - to get the flight rescheduled or to spend a week in campus, getting her exchange program shit together. I suggested the latter, adding quickly how I will be spending the same week pulling my shit together for a project I needed to complete.

"My parents will pester me to return early," she said.

"You can always tell them that studies are keeping you busy, they aren't going to come here and verify," I suggested.

"I can't lie to my parents," she replied. I wondered how she turned 25 without lying to her parents, something I did so frequently that it had become an instinct.

"Your call." Her decisions were hers to make.

I thought that if indeed she spent that week in campus, when rest of the junta would be gone, it would be a golden chance for me to bed her. I sincerely wished that she stayed back.

The suspense about whether or not she was going to stay made me restless, started messing with my sleep. Even jerking off wasn't helping. I would toss around in bed, feel hungry, munch on peanuts and manage to catch just a flake of sleepdust at the fag end of night.

I thought that working out would help, so I upped the level of exercises I had been doing. After finishing my regular exercises, I committed myself to 100 steps of hand walking. The problem with that was I was a novice handwalker, even on my good days, I managed 15 odd steps. So it took me at least 10 sets to reach that 100 step milestone. My right hand, which is weaker than my left used to fail first and my right elbow would hit the ground. As long as the ground was damp, this wasn't much of a problem. But weak August rains had baked the ground as hard as concrete and my right elbow was dotted with permanent lacerations, leaving me in bad shape for the next day.

Sleepless for 5 days, I knew I was trapped in a vicious circle. Working out harder and not getting enough sleep, I feared that my body was going to give up on me. Lucky for me, help was living next door.

The sage, who used to smoke weed with his girlfriend, and had saved some weed for the future. When I came to know about this, I asked him to roll one for me. Unlike me, he didn't tell me to fuck off, that he was saving the joint for his girl. He calmly took out the pack of cigarettes he hides behind his books (he tells everyone that he has quit smoking, but keeps a pack, just in case), emptied the tobacco, and refilled it with weed. I had never smoked a cigarette before, so he taught me how to smoke one. Inhale a puff through mouth, inhale some more air through nose, let the puff settle in the lungs, exhale slowly.

3 puffs into the joint, I felt that someone put his hand inside my skull and pulled my brains out. A relaxing light headedness descended on me. When the joint was finished, I found myself reaching out for the bottle of water weakly. and drank the whole thing. All I wanted to do was to lie down. Judging my intention, sage cleared up my bed, but let Dylan's 'Jack of hearts' play on my laptop. The song worked like a sweet bedtime story. I happily clasped my hands, locked my arms between my legs and assumed a fetal position. Sage turned off the lights, and left me alone. Some time into the night, I convinced myself that SB was holding my right hand. My right had happily reciprocated by pressing her hand back, until the pain in my left hand told me that I was pressing my own hand. Amused, I started laughing alone in my room. I also realized that I had a serious inkling to piss. Judging by the recent out of body experiences, I had full faith that I would wet the bed, something that would be humiliating even by my standards.

Suddenly taking a proper piss became a very important mission for me. When I got to my feet, my legs felt soupy. The simple motion of walking out of the door seemed like a drag. In the cool air, either I was walking very slowly or the corridor had stretched. Bloody traitor!!! The journey to the urinal and back had suddenly become a challenging one. Aiming piss straight into the urinal was a victory I hadn't enjoyed in a long time. It left me so happy that I slept with a smile on my face for 10 hours.

Somehow I knew that in days to come, weed and I were going to be very good friends.

A Stuttering Love Story - Part 3

THE PLEDGE AND THE GUN (18th Aug - 4th Sep)

The dope helped me sleep, but didn't solve the basic problem - how to get SB like me enough to bed me. It was around this time that I told 'J' that I was trying to woo a girl. Knowing my nature, he advised me to be very careful about judging girl's mood and never to disagree with her. Sensible advise. Only not very clear about reading girl's mood part. I wished he could gift me a Saiyan scouter. One click and you get to read all thoughts above girl's head. Sadly, none was invented yet.

On 18th evening, I got a call from SB, telling me that she was indeed staying back in hostel for a week after the term. A million fireworks exploded in my mind. Already I had started fantasizing about the sex filled week. That night I vowed, that I won't jerk-off until I get to fuck SB. Now this might not sound much of a sacrifice, but I had been a serial masturbator since my teens, and this act meant a great deal for me. If this inactivity made me sleepless, I had the luxury of getting stoned.

I was under the impression that SB decided to stay back in hostel because I suggested so. So if she had any doubts regarding me not staying back or giving her company, I thought I should snuff these doubts sooner than later. So when we went for our jaunt the next time, I ask her to let me hold her hand.

"Why?" she asked, taken aback by this sudden request.

"I don't want to be punched after what I have to say to you. That right hook of yours fucking stings." I parrot a dialogue I came up after great deal of effort.

"Really, you didn't wince much that day." She said jovially, referring to the day she decided to practice her punches on my palms.

"Yeah, my palms are hard, my face isn't," I reply, wishing she doesn't counter. We were digressing from what I had on my mind.

"Listen," I say in a serious tone.

"In the coming weeks, I am going to become really selfish." I tell her.

"Selfish? Why?" she asks.

"You know, we don't have much time left together, hardly 20 days." I say to her and pause, trying to remember what my next line was supposed to be.

She nods.

"And I want to spend as much time as I can in your company, and hope that when we are through, you'll fall for me as hard as I fell for you." I say slowly, pretending that I was gathering my thoughts.

"Ankit, I really can't promise anything right now." She says. This dalliance should have rang alarm bells in my mind, but I was just too happy to deliver my dialogues realistically.

"Ok, take your time, I am in no hurry." I say while slowly letting go of her hand. I must confess that holding hands with another person was just as pleasant as holding worms for me. But people more experienced than me (read the Sage) had predicted that it has a comforting effect on girls. I wasn't so sure about this. When people opted for longer than a second handshakes with me, my default response is to squirm my hands out of his grip.

10 days pass by without much happening. In fact, I thought my last meeting had entirely opposite effect on SB than what I intended. We were hardly catching up, or rather she was hardly catching up with me. She had in fact become quite ingenious with her excuses...boils on foot while dancing, going out for eating (would have been credible, if she wasn't using this every other day), sulking alone in room were to name a few. Common sense dictates that given her tepid responses, I should have backed off, let her call me when she wanted to see me. But things that appeared so obvious in hindsight, were completely overlooked by me. Entrenched in the belief that she has fallen for me, I used to rationalize her excuses. Never bothering to take my head out of my ass to assess my situation objectively.

On 28th afternoon, while I was busy finishing off a project before its deadline, I get an unexpected call from SB. Both of us dreaded calls, and avoided calling each other unless it was absolutely necessary.

"Ankit, I had to tell you something," she says.

"Go on."

"My course is getting over on 4th Sep., and I really think that I should prepone my tickets."

"When are you planning to leave," I ask, not really interested, but I needed a few seconds to gather my wits.

"On 5th or 6th."

"Ok," that's all I say.

"I thought I should let you know, since you booked your tickets based on mine," she says with a tinge of guilt.

"SB, when you want to leave is your call to take, not mine," I tell her and hang up. I punch the cupboard before me repeatedly till my knuckles begin to bleed. The cabinet is stuck tightly into its enclosure. Although I hadn't been entirely honest to my self respect lately, I couldn't grovel before SB to stay back.

Only a couple of minutes later, a message from SB tells me that she wasn't changing the flight. I felt like she was holding my dick with one hand and a gun to my head with the other, unsure about what she wanted to blow.

I wasn't sure what to make of the situation. Her tone was serious, but the briskness with which she texted seemed to suggest that she was joking. Either way, I wasn't amused. I didn't reply or call her to seek explanations. She wasn't the only one who could turn cold.

STRANGLED UP IN BLUE (5th Sep - 11th Sep)

Finally, the week I had been desperately waiting for had arrived. Despite her promise that she wasn't going to leave, I still harbored doubts that she will leave any day, leaving me to jerk off or get high on weed by myself. Checking the ticket prices, I assured myself that if she hadn't already preponed her tickets, she was unlikely to do so anymore.

So like Mr. Burns, I was rubbing my hands, thinking "Excellent." Time to harvest the seeds I sowed 2 months ago. On 4th Sep, the entire batch had its exams over. Anyone who hadn't left by the evening, was planning to do so by the next morning. Our corridor, which is always ringing with the noise of cans hitting the floor, became silent. Only one of my friends who had his hands full with projects stayed back, but he too had a tendency to get drunk in the night and sleep till afternoon. So, apart from us rubbing shoulders somewhere around lunch, I was pretty much on my own.

With the intention of inviting her to my room, I asked SB, if I could treat her for a movie (3rd time). Rather than replying to the question, she told me she wanted to go to the city as she had some work to do.

My mind raced to guess what she wanted to do in city - sex obsessed as I was, I could think of only one thing - she thinks that I don't have any condoms, so she wants to buy them from city. Only two days back, she disclosed her reservations about getting raped in Greece (a place she was told was almost as safe as Delhi for women) and that she was warned to carry condoms everywhere. Was she leading me on? I remarked nonchalantly that having spent all her life in Delhi among sex starved men, she would feel right at home in Greece. This conversation was happening in the mess, so the people we were sharing table with were gaping us wide-eyed.

When I took the bus to the city with her, I came to know that it were the loan documents she wanted to collect from the old part of the shithole city. I cursed my excitement under my breath. It wasn't the first time that my wild imagination filled me with baseless ideas that crashed and left splinters in my mind.

The bus took us to a place called cloth market, a cramped street with cloth and sundry outlets on either side. Whatever space on the street wasn't encroached by the shops, was brimming with pedestrians, strays and vehicles. If you walked to the left, you risked being dragged into one of the shops by over enthusiastic shopkeepers, to your right vehicles scraped past. Out of chivalry (and my irritation with shopkeepers), I stayed on the right. SB was adept at warding off shopkeepers with one angry look. She dragged me around to an old Central bank of India branch. The building seemed truly historic. Not in a good sense. There were cracks in the wall, pigeon nests inside the bank, and if my eyes weren't mistaken because of power cut, I thought I saw pigeon dropping on security guard's cap. I spent some 45 minutes in that wreck of a place, while she went about gathering her documents.

"I am sorry, I bothered you for this shit," she apologized.

"Don't be, I had nothing better to do back in hostel," I assured her.

"And I too, had to buy a jean, my last one has been reduced to rags," I tell her.

"Don't get me started on shopping, once I start, I can't stop," she says, and I brush it off as a banality that every girl utters. I was wrong. In the next 4 hours, I spent about 15 minutes to buy a jean and she spent the rest buying slippers, handbags and a suit. I sauntered along, keeping my views regarding her choices to myself. The closest she came to a chemist shop on this tour was to buy a couple of strepsils. Not condoms.

This trip left me really befuddled about her intentions. I was starting to believe that her extended stay had nothing to do with me. She really wanted to get her exchange shit together and my role was simply to accompany her on her missions. Like a faithful boy toy. That night, a wet dream about a random girl broke my pledge. I guess my dick had realized that I wasn't going to get anything from SB, and decided to help itself.

On 7th, SB asked me out for movie in college auditorium. I had by now given up hope that anything physical was going to happen between us. If it had to, it would already have. Not being able to screw her was disheartening. But doubts about my chances were even more bugging.

Somehow, I dread the question 'what if' more than 'why the fuck I did.' So I decided that once the movie is over, I was going to ask her straight. But what exactly I was going to ask remained a mystery to me.

I am not a regular hindi movie watcher, so even crappy hindi movies seem hilarious to me. Such was the case with 'Shudhh Desi Romance.' Many audience leave midway, but I was howling in laughter. True that story didn't make much sense. I didn't mind. The movie was a welcome distraction from the trouble I was facing. And yeah, watching the movie, alone with a girl was another first for me. When the movie was over, I suggested that we take a longer route to campus. When we made it to a sufficiently deserted place, I thought it was right time to pop the question.

"SB, Can I ask you something."

"Sure."

"Since the time we met, has my attraction been one sided? Do you think of me just as a friend or something more?" fumbling, I managed to knit this filmy string of words. We walk for a while before she thinks the question through.

"Ankit, I had told you before, we could never be more than friends. Relationship was out of question for me," she replies. My suspicions confirmed. The struggling flame finally put out. Time to lay all my cards on table.

"When you told me you weren't ready for commitment, I still thought that I had some chance, even if just 1%, to change your mind," I tell her.

"Just remember that, whatever I did, it was for that fighting chance to win you over," my final confession.

"Just to let you know," she says, "you tried too hard."

"If a girl had to fall for you, she would have with half the effort," A lecture straight from the heart. A lecture I really needed to hear.

"You invited me for a movie, so many times, even when I was clearly trying to avoid. Any idea, how uncomfortable it was making me?" She says, her words stinging me worse than any bitch slap.

I didn't bother to explain myself, explain that it wasn't a lifelong marathon I was running to win her, it was a 2 month sprint; and in a sprint you give everything away. I wouldn't have tried this hard if I had the luxury of time.

Instead I say, "I guess you're right, I went too far on wrong assumptions. Forgive me for that."

"One final piece of advice," she says, "No matter how much you like a person, don't stoop too low for her, don't change who you are."

"Hmmm...," was all I managed to mumble. Dismayed less because what she said was true, and more because she had seen through all my acts. Desperate to fuck her, I had become what I wasn't. I knew this better than her. But hearing these words out so bluntly had a humbling effect on me.

"I am sorry if you feel bad," she says when I stay silent for too long.

"Don't be, It was a reality check I badly needed. With things being clear now, I feel at peace actually," I tell her truthfully.

I bid her farewell. As a friend, as an acquaintance, as a stranger. With each step I take I find her magnetic pull sapping. The self respect that I had cut and slashed to be with her will begin to heal soon.

Knowing that I wasn't going to sleep with her, I was free from the pressure to impress her. The lightness that had surrounded me right after she told me that nothing existed between us came back with even greater force. I was gliding to my room on second floor, three stairs at a time, go to Sumit's (the only friend, still remaining in hostel) room instead of mine, where predictably, a booze party in going on. Unconcerned about the people giving Sumit company, I declare, "Bhai, finally ho gaya break-up." As if break-up is possible in a one sided love affair.

"Roll me a joint," I ask him, "I want to take this freedom to new level."

"And to our health we drank a thousand times, it's time to ramble on..." - Led Zeppelin (Ramble On)

A Stuttering Love Story - After Thoughts

THAT'S NOT SO ELEMENTARY WATSON

What caused project WAGTOB (Woo A Girl TO Bed) to fail? To me the culprit seems to be miscommunication.

I read too much into signs that suggested that SB wanted to sleep with me (walks, meals, dates, sexual innuendos) and ignored completely, the signs that suggested she wanted to keep her distance (ignoring my calls and texts sometimes, keeping mum on suggestions about spending time in my room). Psychologists call this 'self serving bias', I call it 'fool's bubble.'

What she treated as friendship - walks, meals, talks; I treated as dating. With my friends, I rarely eat out, have telephone conversations lasting more than a minute, and walk only when we have common destination.

My wrong assumptions led to wrong actions that stretched too far. SB could have corrected my course at any time by telling me to fuck off. I was practically drooling with lust when I was around her, something that would have made any normal person sheepish. Rather than telling this upfront, she seemed to manage me like a flame, fanning when I became reticent, cooling when I got too desperate and finally snuffing me out when I got confrontational. Politeness couldn't have been the reason as she didn't stand to gain anything from me. Nor did she try to use me. So why at all was she spending time with me?

A. She was secretly enjoying the fool I had been making myself around her. Having me under her thumb, the power to squish me by knitting her brows, gave her a high that no drug could. I was her ego inflating dildo.

B. She took pity on my inexperience with girls and thought that she could teach me a lesson or two when it came to wooing girl.

C. She actually treated me as a friend, a needy, damaged sort of friend, who must be tended to regularly, lest he commits suicide and names her as the person responsible.

D. Finding myself as her mirror image (remember similar to me bias I spoke of), I must have appealed to her narcissistic senses. As we got to know each other better, cracks began to appear in this mirror. I came across as a shallow gym monkey desperate to fuck, and she an alcoholic Circe that leads men on, only to shatter their hopes of getting some.

The answer is something that I'll never know. Nor will SB ever answer it honestly. Most probably at different times, these factors were acting with varying intensity. What I do know is that the project was doomed right from the time SB told me about her previous failure in love.

At this instant, a scene from Cowboy Bebop's maiden episode comes to my mind

Old man bull: You take women too lightly, my friend.

Spike: On the contrary, old pal...

Unlike Spike, I did take a woman too lightly, and paid back in sleepless nights and significant emotional bruising. To reminisce it all and putting it into words was like scrubbing old wounds with a grater, just to check if they are healing. Now that I have the luxury to be objective about the entire episode, I can see a few islands of sanity emerging in my chaotic ocean (thanks to 'K' for Ocean theory).

To Risk or to regret: To me, the regret that follows from not having done something is more thorny than the regret of failing at something. All the dialogues I uttered to SB were out of character for me. More than half my mind was screaming at me to shut the fuck up. But had I stayed mum, I wouldn't have come as far as I did. And despite my failure, I am proud of the distance I covered.

The view depends on where you sit: Earlier when my friends were discussing their love troubles, I used to act as some sort of high priest, dispensing same advice dispassionately - that the woman in their life is nothing but an agent of dopamine high. Been in the eye of the storm, I can vouch that hormones are the last thing on a lover's (fucker's) mind.

Rise: Though I overlooked the fact that this experience was a dopamine high, I enjoyed it anyway. Acting out of character (dressing up to make myself presentable, cheesy dialogues and texts) was an uncharted territory for me. All the goof-ups (and the earful I got from SB) were the testament that I swayed too much from destination. This hardly means that I should give up on the journey. It simply means that I should contemplate a serious course correction.

Project WAGTOB, we'll settle our score soon...