Motivational quotes that ruined my life

You probably have got these mails. The cheesy, feel good ones, the ones that are supposed to motivate you. If you are smart, you delete them. If you are smarter, you format your mailbox to get rid of the putrescence they leave behind. But if you are me, you wreck your life trying to implement that trash in your life.

There was I, a newbie internet user, so awed by its splendour that I literally worshipped it. I was one of those assholes who forward every damn message they receive to every damn contact in their mailbox. That day too, I was leeching company's resources, reading my mails morning to night, intriguing my boss, about what kept me busy with absolutely no work at all. So I stumble across this one, nothing different about it, same harmless format, same tiresome list of other people it had been forwarded to, but it had a catchy tag line.

It promised to change my life in a week. So without exception, I forwarded it to every douchebag populating my address book, and sat back to actually read it. It had those so called motivational quotes, 7 of them, and it urged me to apply one everyday and see the "magical change" it brings to my life. And boy, didn't I love to see magic happen...So right next day, I woke all charged up, waiting to put the learnings into practice.

Day 1: "Be the change that you want to see in the world." Mohandas Gandhi

Before going to office, popped in 3 viagra pills, I wanted everyone to be as horny as me.

My gigantic boner invited curious looks, some of admiration, others of abomination but no one appeared to be turned on by my initiative. And by the time I was convincing Mr Stiffo to subside, sniggers had turned to laughter and laughter to derision. In no time, I was surrounded by philistines, who accused me of being a regular sex offender. Just one slip-off and they are ready to brand me!!!Gandhi certainly must be laughing his ass off in hell , watching me getting humiliated.

Day 2 (actually night): "Formula for success: under promise and over deliver."

I told my nymph of a girlfriend, I cant screw her tonight, throw in some shit about my self respect and managed to coerce her. Then in the middle of the night, when she's sleeping like a stone, I try to rape her. The only success I got was getting my nuts kicked so hard that for next to days, I was walking like a frightened geisha.

Day 3: "Chase down your passion like it's the last bus of the night."

Unsure of what the passion of my life was, I decided to try every passionate thing until I struck the right chord. First I decided, I would try my hands at painting. Despite the fact that I had never held a paintbrush in my hand, I asked my girl to strip down. I was going to paint her Titanic style. All I came up was a hideous corpse-like portrait, following which my girl silently dressed herself up and left the house, presumably forever.

Still I was not going to be deterred, this time I zeroed on cookery. There was a pet cat my girl owned and I detested it. So I decided to check its edibility. I poured some salt and lemon juice on it, and just before it realized my intentions, locked it in a microwave, and switched it on full temperature. Till 30 seconds, all I heard was ear shattering screams (microwaves heat inside out, so probably it's internal organs were getting nuked), Miss kitty was clawing the oven's window with all her might. Then the heat made the way to its skin set its hair ablaze..There was a fucking fireball in my oven. Before it could damage my oven anymore, I snatched it out and threw it out of my apartment windows. The retching smell it left behind, killed my appetite for days to come.

This was all the passion I could handle for the day.Plus all the bloody mess that wretched cat left behind kept me on my toes for most of the day.

Day 4 : "There is no such thing as bitter truth"

Strange day. If there ever was a record in offending most people in a single day, I broke it by leaps. Here are a few conversations that took place that day.

My dame : Do I look pretty in her dress???

I: No you look like a 3$ whore. But if you clip the top button, you might make 5 bucks.

Irritating colleague: So would you come to my son's birthday party??

I : Hell no! That vindictive son of a bitch bit my hand last time I was at your place. The only way I am coming to your place is if you have him leashed.

And then there was this sycophant colleague, who never ceased to flatter boss man. He carps on and on, sir the product launch has been done, sir I booked your flight, sir I arranged the papers....Well I reined my horses as long as I could, but then I finally told him to suck boss's balls all he wanted, but not while I was there. That was one more truth (unsure about its flavour) and one less person to oblige.

Day 5: "Take the time today to tell your friends the difference they have made to your life."

Logically, I should have taken the day off and mended those rusted old friendships. But since I don't have many friends and the ones I have seldom take my calls, this one was a cakewalk.

Friend #1 : Yes asshole, what do you want now???

Me : I wanted to thank you for all the difference you have made to my life...

Friend #1 : Oh, I thought this was about me screwing your girl, thanks man, you too make huge difference in my life, although I still haven't any clue about what it is.

Line goes blank.

Me: Hey man whats up, just called to tell you how much difference you make to my life...

Friend#2: Holy shit dude, you still alive!!! We thought you were a goner when we left you drunk on the interstate...

Me: Fucker so it was you!!! all these years I was wondering about those crushed ribs. Asshole, you better start running for your life, before my bat makes way up your ass.

Line goes dead.

A few more calls and I realized the differences my so called friends made to my life....

One asswipe snuffed my pet dog to make a porn flick when I thought that it ran away,

other had filched my sex doll,

and there was one responsible for the botched up tattoo on my back. The only difference these fuckers made to my life was to make it worse...

Day 6 : "Only those who dare to climb reach new heights"

This one got me all pumped up. Ever since I was a kid, I was an expert climber. Climbing rooftops and spying people was my favourite hobby. So I located the tallest tree in the neighbourhood and set forth to conquer it. A little above the half way, I come across a baby monkey, and it got my pulse running. Not only was I going to conquer the tree, there was a monkey to molest too. Things couldn't have got any better. Or so I thought. The moment I grabbed the monkey, and unzipped my fly, a motley of monkeys gathered around me. My benign love for monkey was misunderstood. Claws penetrated flesh, hands were waved and some monkeys got their ass whooped in the process. Just when I was about to deliver a winning blow, a bugger gouged my eye. I landed back first on the ground, with a lost eye, several bruised ribs and an unquenched boner.

And while I lay there, broken, defeated and blind in one eye, a lots of maybes crept in my mind. For instance, maybe these quotes weren't meant to redeem incorrigible souls like me, or maybe these weren't the musings of some larger than life saints. Hell for all I knew, some stoned junkie might have scribbled those shoddy quotes on a used toilet paper to fool gulibles like me. So what did these 6 days teach me??? Don't be a quixotic asshole. All these fancy emails may give you a laugh or two while loitering at workplace, but that's that. If you attempt to redeem your life based on this crap, you might as well ask the motley of monkeys, I tried to rape to be your spiritual guru.

In case you are wondering what the last quote in the mail was, don't worry, I am not planning to keep you in dark. Mocking my efforts of last six days, it read "Live everyday in your life as it's like your last."

Memoirs of a fidayeen, who never was one

Day: -231

The explosion took most of my so called house. Nothing new there. Every house was being blown up. Was only a matter of time before fate caught up with me. Great thing I was trying to make shit at that time. Eating too many newspapers had constipated me and all my efforts to make shit were rendered futile. Then suddenly I hear this explosion and see the tin-shed falling upon me. Constipated or not, my sphincter lost control. Last thing I remember was that blissful feeling of loosing everything....

Day: -230

Regained consciousness, literally find myself in deep shit. House turned to rubble. Hear my little retard bro crying from under the debris. Of all sane people, only this retard managed to survive. Not on my watch. Place a couple of heavy boulders where cries had been coming from. Cries cease after a while. Did something pinch my conscience?? I guess not. Manage to salvage a half dead lamb from the wreck.

Day: -220

Been hungry since a week. That lamb didn't last 4 days. Anyway with all those flies and stink, it was hardly edible. Reached a slum. Also found a garbage dump to live in.Was kind of difficult at first, but then I got used to the stink and now I can say that it's like being on a vacation. You sleep all day and then every other hour one dipshit or another dumps enough crumbs for you to devour. I love it here and I think I will be spending rest of my life in this dump. Except warding off the dogs, it's an effortless life.

Day: -200

A week and a half and already lost two dumpsters to bullies. Have managed to hold on to third one since a week. Even managed to bolster security around this one. Befriended dogs. They bark at even remote possibility of intrusion. And then pieced some metals together to make a pointed jagged weapon. The next one trying to displace me will be a blind motherfucker.

Day: -190

Approached by a talib. All my safeguards rendered futile. Dogs kicked off, my weapon went down the drain and I was pinned down mercilessly. I thought the fucker was going to rape me. So I put up my next best defence and curl up in foetal position. He spat at me disgustedly and said he had an offer for me. I agreed on anything that didn't involve getting butt raped.

Day: -189

That talib is taking me and two other kids from the same slum to some "recruitment camp." One of these kids is Javed, the guy who extorted my first dumpster. The third one is still anonymous. He spoke too little and cried a lot. And since I and Javed slapped him every time he sobbed, no lifelong friendships in that front. Javed is the slickest chum amongst us, and the fact that he claims to own 7 dumpsters in my slum has got him in my list of awesome people.

Day: -187

Finally manage to reach "the camp." Nothing but a dilapidated building with a many cells, presumably a former prison.

The three of us are crammed in a single cell. As if lack of personal space is not enough, we have to see each other shit and pee. The only thing keeping me and Javed sane was our common hatred for the third one, who still remains anonymous. Everything he does somehow offends our senses, and we have taken upon ourselves to fix him up. This includes roughing him up occasionally, kicking him in guts whenever we make way to upper bunks and when he's well into his sleep, choking him with pillow

Day: -130

Spent two months in this devil's asscrack. Passing every day in same perfunctory manner. Waking up early. Learning how to fire rifles(magnum is my best), throwing dummy grenades, then sometimes live ones too. Fumes have ravaged my nostrils and somehow they make way to my brain, making me dumber every passing day. And I guess I am partially deaf now.

Occasionally some old fart, adept at yelling gibberish in Pushto, tries to acquaint us with the"Talib way of life."

While most of the shit beats me, so far I have gathered that these talibs are a bunch of cool eunuchs, who blow stuff up cause it makes them feel macho. A couple of hundred talibs like to hole up in caves together, wanking each other. And when they finally manage to get it stiff, they screw any moving thing except women. They keep women for slaying purposes only.

Day: -127

Me, Javed and Naveed (5 gut kicks and he spits his name out) have now been "promoted" to a solitary cell. Although it is no different than the normal cell, but here the ones who will see us shit would be ourselves. Also got some palatable food in months.

There's this old, bearded ninja sort of talib who dresses in all black and tells us that we are no ordinary guys. We have got some greater purpose. Needless to say, in the coming days, there will be pep talk about blowing up something, bullshit about some higher cause and how virgins will greet us in heaven. Fucker thinks we can't see through it.

These dolts have come up with a super slick plan. It's so slick that we are almost redundant, but we will still be sacrificed. Talk about iniquity. We have to pose as help boys in this exuberant hotel. Find the points of maximum damage and detonate OURSELVES there.

I wonder how inept you have to be to be a talib. When I asked if we could simply place a box of explosives there, it kind of pissed him of. He cursed me for 5 minutes in pushto, and then ordered 30 lashes for such insolence. And 30 lashes not only make you believe in allah, but whole fucking justice league.

Day: -51

Boy this hotel is a premium funky place. First day and I fell in love with this hotel. It's just like the dumpster sans dogs and fears of getting raped. These super hot western chicks are so naive they will believe in anything. Stories of explosions, talibs and indigence kind of titillates them. There was this journalist chick whose baggage I helped to offload to her room. She asked what a young boy liked me was doing in a place like that (Standard question from paedophiles).

I cooked up a story that involved brutal rape, gruesome murder, exploitation and a lifetime of destitution. She goes all wet and embraces me between her titts. Wow if heaven's half the euphoria this hug carries, I would gladly die thousand times...

Day: 0 Time 1123

Have you ever woken up with a feeling that this day would be the most miserable one of your life and it really did??? I didn't, but the day just turned out to be that. I was as exultant as ever, serving these white folks in such a servile manner that even the most seasoned waiters would puke. And there came Javed with a news that literally caught me by my balls. Tells me that the talib operator has arrived and wants to see us in his room. Terror crept under my skin and I was shaking terribly.

I asked Javed to get Naveed. I told the two that I had no intentions of fucking blowing myself for these shithead fanatics. Javed agreed, Naveed stared blankly, so I presumed that the mute asshole agreed too.

Day: 0 Time 1312

The talib hands us three jackets, concealing explosives underneath. One for each of us. He wants us to detonate ourselves near the central gas pipe, located in kitchen. Needless to say, the entire hotel will be wrecked. Since we were very likely to face obstructions, he handed us baby eagles, the sleekest 9mm ever built.

The guns were already loaded and the safeties were off. If there was once a moment in my life when I didn't feel like a spineless worm, it was now. I shot the talib operator from point blank. My gun had a silencer. Then how come I hear a loud bang and it's echo??? And why is there seething pain in my belly??? I look down. I had been gut shot. Fucking gut shot. I look behind. Naveed is holding his own baby eagle. Javed's down. Head shot.

This is the first time I am seeing Naveed grinning. Sensing a big fucking 'what the fuck' in my eyes, he fulminates "You bullies have dominated me enough, this is my chance at redemption and I won't let you spoil it. I will be the one carrying out allah's volitions."

Picking the three explosive jackets and 9mms he wished us to rot in hell.

Of all the times the fucker chose this one to express all the repressed emotions. Good for talibs, they managed to brain-wash at least one of us. And good for Naveed, these delusions will lift up his spirits for the first and the last time. As for me, this blanket of death's engulfing me. I am wondering how long does it take for all this blood to drain to zilch.

Day: 0 Time 1350

I am still alive and can hear the intermittent bangs. Did any bullet carry Naveed's name?? I wish several did. The approaching death doesn't cleanse your soul. That's bull crap. I am as bitter as I always was and I wished those bullets blow up Naveed's balls. Whether that happens or not, I am still a lost cause.

Day: 0 Time 1410

Just heard the loudest bang of all. It was louder than the one that snuffed away my family. And then there was another. I think the gas line ruptured and caught fire. The hotel is crumbling. For a few seconds there was just dust blinding me, then came pebbles which were irritating but still tolerable. And last came the big daddies, the boulders. The last thing I remember was a death shaped boulder (you'll know what it means when one comes for you) coming for my head. Ironically my sphincter was under my control and it still was when my head was zapped.

Day: 1

Afterlife. The word that instils enough fear in us mortals to fuck up our present life. Life was a bumpy ride, but I still managed to sneak my way to heaven. Javed was here. So was Naveed, but after a brief period of scepticism, he decided to ignore us. And yes there were virgins too, but these were virgin goats. I ate mine on the very first day, before some fanatic left his jizz inside it.

Prophet says, white dudes took all the good looking chicks with them. He calls for another Jihad.

He is approaching every dude (yes talib heaven is a strictly male institute) exhorting them for Jihad. All he got from me was a kick in the nuts. Tough luck, he can't kill me and I would love it if he declare me an outcast. But he simply walks away, guess this has happened to him more than once...A long afterlife lies ahead. That's bad. Still worse is the fact that I am out of plans about how to lead it. Guess I should start by kicking Naveed's ass. That backstabbing asshole ought to be taught a lesson. And if that sham of a prophet decides to take him under his wing, god help him I will bash his ass too.....

The rain

Perhaps I was the only fool waiting in the park on that cloudy august evening....But every second was worth. What was it, two years since we had parted...She said she would keep in touch, and yes she did for the first few months. But as they say, time takes its crazy toll and my case was no different.

Has it started raining?? I look sideways to confirm and yes it had. Just what i was waiting for (well apart from my long lost love that is). Raindrops were settling on mud and I whiffed the fragrance of wet mud that never fails to arouse me. Did I tell you the rain brings the child out of me...I just held my head back, closed my eyes and let the rain work its magic.

What was it, a few minutes?? Or several hours??? I felt a tug on my shoulder. Shook the sleep away and saw her standing before me, grinning mischievously.

"You look as foolish as when we first met, " she beamed.

I could only manage a raspy nod.

What are you, tongue tied or something?? The years didn't take a toll on her humour as they did on mine. She was as effervescent as ever.

And yes I was tongue tied...She was totally drenched in rain, raindrops were dancing on her face, a few resting on her lips, making them even more luscious. Her shoulder length hair seemed to have a mind of their own, congregating and segregating on their whim, but dripping her top in unison. But it was her eyes, those large eyes, so vivacious that held me captive. It were those eyes that were shaking the core of my being. Rain was striking her face with all its ferocity, but never once did her eyes narrow down.

Were these leaves flapping with raindrops trying to tell me something??? I hoped not, they have always led me into trouble.

"Hey stare all you want, but let's go to some place dry" she urged earnestly.

I couldn't hold back any more. I hugged her with all my might. I felt her shiver in my brace.

She was taken aback at first, but then reciprocated my hug, and whispered in my ears "keep your loins in your pants dear, I am on a period"

What were the leaves trying to tell me now?? Oh yes to kiss her. And I did. And this time i didn't need any courage, i just went for it. All those years were melting away. Her lips, sweet as they were, were even more enticing with those raindrops settled on them. I was drinking raindrops from her lips and not even the sweetest chocolate could beat the taste.

Our gaze was locked, lips locked even harder, hands around each other's neck, under this weeping willow. Even lovers in paradise couldn't beat the elation we were in.

What was the rain whispering in my ear??? Hell no. Did I hear it right. I hope I didn't. I felt I was going to regret it, but hell, who can argue rain. I begged rain to let me be in this trance a few more minutes, but I was fighting a losing battle. We were still kissing and our eyes were still locked. Years could have passed, but this kiss wouldn't have aged a second. Suddenly her head convulses, her eyes filled with bewilderment, a mute scream barely escapes her lips. Her eyes are bloodshot.

Dagger has worked its magic. Her spine is severed from the back of her neck. She might be still alive but she won't feel a thing. I push her away as remorselessly as those unreturned phone calls, as those sleepless nights, as those crushed emotions. She is lying motionless on wet mud, her eyes staring into the sky, blood washing away from her wounds. We could be two lovers lying besides each other on a sunny beach and it wouldn't have been any different except that dagger protruding from her neck. I take that dagger out of her neck and lick clean the blood. It was even sweeter than what rain told me.

An old beatle song is echoing in my mind. "I wanna be under the sea in an octopus's garden with you" I wondered if John Lenon was trying to drown Yoko while singing this...questions galore.

I pick up my trench coat and start to leave. Couldn't see her eyes for one more second. They were cutting through my bones...

Did I tell you the rain bring's the child out of me?? I don't think I did. And what a nice child is he. Choked his 5 year old dog on first rain. Stabbed a syringe through the head of a parakeet his mom adored so much on second.

What's the rain saying to me now??? Is it something about popping sleeping pills or is it about jumping the cliff???

Day in life of an Ego maniacal, Paranoid, Schizophrenic Manic depressive who sometimes suffer from amnesia and claustrophobia (are you still reading?)

7:00 AM

Woke up from a bad dream. Thought world stopped revolving around me. Looked out of apartment window, there was sun, there was moon; both comfortably revolving around me. Wished I lived on a rock in outer space. Seeing earth revolving around me would have been quite a spectacle.

8:00 AM

Tried to bathe, but couldn't get my eyes off from mirror.

9:00 AM

Driving to the office. There are cars following me on the free-way. I think they want to crush me again today. Take first exit I could find and park hastily. Office is still 3 miles away. Will have to walk. Complemented myself for being able to walk such long distances.

9:30 AM

Come across a cow. It's staring at me. I know what's in its mind. It's going to stab me with it's horns. Guess what, I am too smart for that. I approach it in friendly manner, shoot it in the leg from close range. It goes berserk and crashes into a car. Driver is bleeding profusely. He won't make it. One lesser person after my life.

10:00AM

Reach office. A co-worker approaches my desk and starts prating. It goes like bla bla bla, one of my kids raped the other bla bla bla my wife is a whore bla bla bla Osama died. Despondency sets in...why do everyone I idolize has to die. First Saddam, and now Osama. Lock myself in loo, try to drown myself in commode. Fail, cry miserably and doze off crying.

12 Noon

Wake up as a new person. Feel high, very high (Did someone shove ecstasy down my throat???)

Dont know, people have been trying to do stuff to me as long as I could remember. In the hallway, come across a woman I work with, hug her tightly, feel her tits crushing in my hug. She runs off. Shrieks something about reporting it to HR.

Ask someone directions to my own cubicle. He stares me incredulously. I tell him not to mind and set off for a voyage to find my cubicle.

12:30 PM

Find a cubicle that looks like mine. Actually all cubicles look like mine. There's a man sitting there. He greets me. I don't know who he is. I want to ask him what he is doing here. But euphoria has tied my tongue. This cubicle is full off snaps of a family(presumably his). I am gushing with happiness. And before I know i am caressing snaps of his wife and children. Inexplicably my other hand finds way to my pocket. Something is hardening in my pants but I am too happy to care. Is my cell vibrating or is someone tugging my trousers???? The cell is vibrating harder and harder in my pants. Happiness is brimming through me. I feel like showering happiness on everyone I see.

I let out a loud grunt and feel happiness subsiding. For no reason, the colleague and a few other co-workers, who were deeply engrossed in work until now are staring at me in disbelief. Did I wear my shirt inside-out??? I look down to confirm. Can't see anything but a blot on my trousers. Some idiot must have spilled water on my trousers. No dearth of clumsy retards.

1:40 PM

Have passed last one hour answering junk mails. My inbox is invariably always empty. But junk mails are always in plenty. I expressed my gratitude to a viagra retailer and penis enlarging therapist. Also forwarded a mail to 61 people, since it said I would have died otherwise. I can't take risks like that. My life is too precious to take chances like that.

2:00PM

With all that done, take an elevator to cafeteria. As the elevator's doors are closing, so are it's walls. I am going to be crushed to death!!!! I start yelling and pressing emergency button furiously. Expectedly it's not stopping the walls closing up on me. They are going to end my life for good finally. I close my eyes anticipating the cold killer touch of walls anytime soon. But hear the mechanical "Ground Floor" voice. Open my eyes to see that the door has opened and there are people waiting to use the elevator. Rush out of elevator. Feel their malicious gaze set upon me, chilling my bones. As much as they dislike, I will still live today.

2:10PM

Get scoops of indecipherable chunks of food loaded in my plate. Find an empty spot. Beat a baldy to it. The food is bland as always, but I can't risk salt. They might have swapped it with arsenic for all I know.

3:00PM

The bland food has never failed to upset my taste. Take out rum bottle from my desk and made 2 shots. Drank one and offered another to the guy who sits besides me. He glares disgustedly at me and tells me that some dude from "high up" wants to see me. I presume that it's the leader of the cult that wants to kill me. I tell him to lead me to that dude. He declined. I persisted and he mumbled something akin to dumbfuck and decided to take me to him.

He stops at a sign that reads Mr. RBS, Vice President. Patronizing asshole treats me like a retard by knocking the door for me.

3:10 PM

Finally get my turn to see Mr. RBS, the dude who has made hell out of my life. We exchanged scornful stares for a full minute, until he asked me what the fuck was I still doing there??? Ignorant asshole was still oblivious that I knew he wanted to kill me. I throw him off guard by asking why he wants to kill me. He starts spewing senseless shit and tells me to fucking get out of his office. But why would I. I had been waiting all my life for this confrontation.

3:20PM

He has been yelling for full 10 mins now and my indifference seems to be infuriate him even more. I am catching a few words although mostly it is garble. He goes on like suspended me due to lewd behaviour, not doing any work, coming late, sexual assault bla bla bla. But I am impervious to all this crap. Fucker tries to kill me by throwing a file at me. Right in office. Talk about audacity. I still remain calm. He then waves a paper to slit my throat. I barely dodge it. My senses are in full flow now. He is repeatedly trying to cut me with that paper. The bold letters TERMINATION LETTER seem to pun the grave situation I am in. His attacks are proving to be futile. In a swift movement, I grab his fist, and freed that paper weapon. Who's your daddy now asshole. A pen catches my site. Its 0.5 mm tip glitters like a diamond. I grab it and before Mr RBS could make any sudden move, stab that pen through the termination letter into his neck. Blood is gushing out from his windpipe as he contorts on his office floor.

3:40PM

I have decided that I can't work for a blood thirsty organization like this. With the boss-man dead, I am a free man now. I am leaving this cursed place forever, leaving with my bloody footprints blotting their carpet. There are sirens echoing far away, perhaps clarion calls in my honour......

WISH I COULD DO THIS SOME DAY