Laptop proof your child

Newspaper suck big time. The other day while i was using a newspaper as a toilet paper, my eyes inadvertently fell upon a huge shit stain, and no it didn't belong to me....It was a crappy headline that read "How to child proof your laptop", and it got me thinking, why laptops have to bear the brunt of idiocy of these dumb children and why can't we laptop proof the children??? I mean it would be much easier, and your precious little machine won't have to be tweaked a bit. 

The big question is why a child would like to sabotage a laptop?? The answer is simple, these little turds vie for our attention. Seriously, they will dance around, jump around, break things up, kill neighbour's cat and what not. All this while you are watching porn, playing games or playing porn games.....These angelic machines have been serving us selflessly while dumbfuck children have been doing nothing except making sure that every passing day of your life is more miserable than the previous.

So here i present a five point guideline to ensure that no child will ever come within a mile of your laptop.

1. Make sure that you amputate arms of your children at birth. Armless children would be fifty percent less likely to sabotage laptops...For 99% security, cut off their legs too. But you want to 100% laptop proof your child, lay nails in your room, so that chances of pissy cripple children rolling towards your laptop are negated too.

2. If you are too much of a pussy to amputate your child, castrate them. Children have tendency to sniff porn out of a laptop and taking off their balls (or ovaries for that matter) makes them lazy and disinclined to any kind of activity. And return of investment in this plan is huge..Not only do you tone them down, you also ensure that they won't spawn any of their kind or perpetuate any more shitheads much alike themselves.

3. For men whose balls have shrunk due to years of bickering and nagging of their children, and they can neither amputate or castrate their children, set up bear traps all around your laptop. And open up a big wallpaper of cheese. Children are no different than mice, so dont be surprised if you find a room full of children caught in bear traps. Be sure to dispose them properly like at the bottom of ocean or 10 feet into your backyard.

                            NO REVENGE LIKE A LAPTOP'S REVENGE

4. Play infanticidal and paedocidal videos on your laptop in loop. Let them know the consequences of messing up with your machine. If they happen to be blind, shout to them how you will rip their intestines apart if they come within a foot of your laptop. Suplex them hard if they sneeze near your laptop, bludgeon if they so much as look towards your machine.. 

5. Go midway. Although the word compromise makes me want to puke, but still having a laptop for a child beats everything else.You can take it for walks and it will sing you songs instead of prating bullshit complaints about how some xyz kid tried to rape him in the ass, You can take it to movies and it will never ask you to take him for pee. You can dump it, not clean it, hit it and no one will shout child abuse, and it won't hand you in to cops if you have your way with it....So go ahead, adopt one, and kick out all the misery out of your life.

My idea of a perfect world

I know a perfect world is too much to ask for, but it can be done only if you all play your part perfectly. I know it may sound daunting at first and you may think that it's too much to ask for, but if you consider it seriously, you will realize the enormous contribution it will provide to my plan. 

All you have to do is to committ suicide, yeah you heard me right. I don't want any of you assholes contaminating my shangri-la. Once all of you are gone, I will be left alone living my life like a saint, on the top of a one tree hill. 

My morning will begin with a gigantic boner, which won't die until I rape a crocodile while taking bath in toxic waste river. Then I will take a huge crap on graves of children who were sacrificed to shape my perfect world, wiping off my shit with pages from Gita/Bible/Quran. Hunting for food may be a problem for an average shithead, fool enough to read this blog, but it will be a cake walk for genius like me. All I have to do is to lie naked on the ground and wait until some dumb animals like bears and dolphins are lured by the aroma of my salty balls (all girls who were lucky enough to taste my balls told me the experience was somewhere between achieving superorgasmic state and immortality). Killing them would be effortless, i will just look them in their eyes and they will die of sheer fear. I will consume their soul telepathically adding another thousand years to my life and leave their bodies to be sodomized by my pet saber tooth. In post breakfast sex, i will fuck Lisa Ann to death and resurrect her.

To pass my time, apart from fucking, I will track species of animals that piss me off, and drive them to extinction. Pandas top my list of animals to slaughter, followed by rabits and poodles. I will capture and tie a panda pull its pubic hair one by one, then weld its dick to its ass, make it drink plenty of water so that its ass fills with piss and burst, making a fucking mess of its intestines and leaving it withering in pain. Or better yet, i will leave pandas alone, and they will realize how meaningless and dull their lives are, and they will all cry themselves to death.

My workout will be moving mountains,rivers and volcanoes, shaping landscapes to satisfy my whims. My post workout meal will involve some more sex with Lisa Ann. Every night, I will watch Fight Club, and will be able to appreciate how beautiful the world is with just ME. Closing the night on this happy note, i will fuck an anti-human cyborg, for Lisa Ann's pussy will be sore for few more hours. Satan bless Lisa Ann.....