The longest orgasm - An ode to Roland Deschain

I wanted to start this one by saying that I am no literary critic by any means...bla bla bla, but that would be bullshit, if I am writing the review of not one but a series of seven books, I will treat myself as the critic with the balls of gold. I promise that after reading it to the end (if you manage to do so), the incoherence of this review will either choke the sanity out of you or cause your guts to retch. I promise I won't be quick.

It started on 8th June 2009, when I sat on my bed, pockmarked by chickenpox, picking up dried blisters on my face, or joining those on my chest and torso to see if a constellation appears (as they usually do in S.K.'s novels). Directionlessness was the leitmotif of my life at that time. It still is, but we had our truce. I needed something to anchor my mind. There were three new novels on my bookshelf, new in the sense that I hadn't read them. All my books are second hand. Two were Stephen Kings, and the third was Micheal Crichton. I picked an S.K., just because it was the thinnest.

"The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed." Little did I know that I had embarked myself on a journey with the gunslinger (who goes all alone). The journey that took 2 years and 7 novels to complete(33 for the author and thousands for the gunslinger). I may be tempted to throw in the cliche that the journey is better than the destination, but now I know better. I had followed Roland (the gunslinger) from the desert of Mejis, through the Wastelands of Lud, through the New Yorks of different timelines, the Calla Surgis, the Fedic, the castle Discordia, to the field of Roses with the Beam of the turtle and the Gan overlooking them, finally to find the Dark tower. Or rather find its door being slammed at my face.

When S.K. ended the penpenultimate (sic, that means third last, although not in any dictionary you bought)chapter with the line "Then perhaps a minute later came a great echoing boom, the sound of a door swinging shut forever", a chilling realization dawned upon me, that the only visitor allowed to step inside the Dark Tower was the Gunslinger himeself, not the freeloader reader, who was basking in his ordeals.

Fuck journey, it was the destination I wanted to embrace, to kiss, to make love with. Ever shagged to a novel (well sex stories maybe, but that's not what I am alluding to). Me neither, but when I skimmed through the chapter describing Susannah's fate, voila there it was....The final chapter. Even before reading it, my spirits soared, testosterone surged in my bloodstream, making itself evident with the little boner (those are the only ones I get), and all I wanted to do was to shag till either my hands bled or my dick burnt, or both, in which case blood would have acted as a lube.

The next chapter started with S.K. admonishing his readers to go away while they still had time and senses to spare. He said that the ending won't add years to readers' life. Nor will it improve their sex life (It improved mine at least). There we were, accompanying Roland on the exalting (and excruciating) climb of nineteen stairs every floor, floor after floor, making it to the top of the Dark tower, and opening the last door separating him from his destiny, only to find.....I will stop here. Not that some last shred of altruism is stopping me from spoiling the novel for others, but my selfishness tells me that this pleasure that took two years in making is for mine to keep.

The best journeys in life are often the ones taken alone. But it helps to have a friend to put some sand in your face when you fall in a ditch.(and prevent the novels from becoming a monologue too.)

Booll Sheet

Thou shall bow to thy god thoroughly

For thy god shall dispense a heavenly Blow-job ultimately.

Delhi-Dallying

Delhi is an intimidating city even for a person accustomed to crowd. A journey without actually bumping into another person is nothing short of a fool's fantasy. I am trying to shortlist the places where someone can actually breathe without having his breath hit other's shoulder, and someone's breath hitting his. None of these places are something you won't find on any map. Nothing in Delhi is untouched, it's just that you won't find hordes of people trying to maul you there(Registered paranoia, anyone?). I will try to supplement with directions wherever they are required. Also due to my present love affair with rock climbing and hiking, many places mentioned here are situated in hilly terrains. So put on a good pair of rugged shoes before embarking there.

1. Safdarjung tomb.

Strike 1. If you are actively dating, then this place is already known to you. So move along. If not, this place is sprawling with lovers, but thanks to the vast area, they seem not to crowd the place. There is an unspoken one tree, one pair rule, which all the lovers seem to abide. If the shade of the tree is not enough, girl's dupatta is generally capacious enough to cover two people, and what happens underneath is solely dependent on the creativity they can muster.

Strike 2. Not as filthy and trashed as the adjacent Lodhi Gardens. People who come here seem to have better manners.

Strike 3. Being dead in Delhi is not too bad. After all look around, the dead emperors are squatting in the poshest places around. Fuck the living. Hail the dead.

Directions: Stone throw from Jor Bagh metro station, granted you can throw 500 metres (I surely can).

2. Tughlaqabad fort

Strike 1. Robust 13th century structure. Still more or less intact. Makes you wonder how the huge blocks that constitute it were transported or placed. Once you get over these feelings, vandalism becomes easy. A name here and a name there, and you are immortal. At least until the next douchebag comes and writes his name over yours.

Strike 2. Good place to use all four limbs in coordination. Climb over one wall and see how far do you make without offloading. Most protrusions are stable, but still don't put all your weight on one rock before testing it, trust me it's coming from expirience. Also, the moment you enter the main gate and turn left, there is a huge boulder which I strongly suspect is a disguised alien spaceship. Takes some time to get a hang of it, but a good climb nonethless.

Strike 3. Ditches. Despite my hazy credentials in the field, I am going to use my expertise in history to claim that awesome things happened in the two ditches, located at roughly centre and centre left of the fort. Both are roughly 70-80 feet deep, giving you jitters and shaky legs if you go too close. It was either a mass grave for the felons or a mud wrestling venue, where hot medivial babes tried to derobe each other.

Directions: If you are a proud non owner of a vehicle, grab a metro to Saket, take one of several Mehrauli-Badarpur buses that ply on this route, disembark in front of Tughlaqabad fort.

3. Adilabad fort

Poor cousin of Tughlaqabad. ASI is supposed to take care of it, but seems to have washed its hands off it, which is actually not such a bad thing. There are many more things than climbing walls that you can do here without being chided by the righteous. Somewhat strudier than Tughlaqabad, I suspect that it has been renovated recently. Take a rope along, and Rapple on its walls. Or better yet, choose a starry moonlit night to play paint ball here. No one is going to cry over a few spoiled walls. Atleast ASI won't.

And to satiate my vanity at this point, I will upload my awesome shots. Shag if you want to. I will wait.

Directions: Just opposite to Tughlaqabad fort. Separated by a vast playground that hosts multitude of pitches for the budding cricketers. Assholes.

4. Indian mountaineering Foundation

Strike 1. Even at height of summer (remember I am talking about delhi), this place seems to have a reservoir of coolness, which comes from abundant trees planted here.

Strike 2. Rocks. Goes without saying that this place is full of rocks.
There are three major climbing sections.

• A four faced rock climbing wall that has a beginner, intermediate, a speed climbing wall, and an advanced wall; the tallest of which is about 50 feet high.
• A ditch that houses natural rocks.
• A three faced bouldering wall, no more than 7 feet high, mainly to traverse around and let you experiment with your climbing technique.

Besides these it also houses a museum and climbing archives, a section I have never dared to foray into. Also interspersing are some tyre swings and rope ladders. Seems more like a place to lie down with a paperback than to sweat out by gallons while grappling with the tricky rocks (They are actually tricky, seem to move farther apart when you come closer to them than when you are watching from ground).

Strike 3 . It has its busy days, and it has its relaxed days. Most of its patrons throng on weekends, and the scene is ever familar, the belayers encouraging the climbers, the clank of carbiners getting hooked, and occasional grunts of that last drop of effort being squeezed. Jungle Gym is probably the wrong word, but it's the first one that comes to mind. On weekdays it's almost deserted, few if any climbers are present, and the only sounds you hear are either their conversation or the hoots of the peacocks and peahens.

It's closed on Mondays, and open from 9AM to 1PM and 3 PM to 7PM on other days. Single day charges : Rs 100; Monthly membership : Rs 500.

Directions: Just beside the South Campus of the Delhi University. A little detour marked by the IMF and Mahaveer Temple leads to this place.

5. Dhauj

A vast plane area (vastness is its main selling point) pockmarked by occasional rocky Arravali cliffs. A Dhauj lake was supposed to exist, but now it is reduced to a pathetic pond, serving as a water-hole for the animals, the area left behind is mostly arid and cracked, with a few shrubs here and there. The cliffs are solid rocks and not mud-hills. These cliffs are full of prickly thorns, some of which are 2-inch long. This makes hiking a bit tricky even if gradient is conducive. Make sure to bring along garden scissors, and plenty of water if you plan to trek. Other than that it is a nice place for Rock climbing, with plenty of trails ranging from easy to hard.

Directions to Dahuj : Google maps are elusive about its directions. Keep driving straight on the Gurgaon-Faridabad highway, until you come across a Police chowki of Mangar village. Take a turn for Mangar village. Keep driving straight until the road becomes patchy and then disappears all together. You might see a pond on your left and right which is Dhauj lake. A bit far away, will be the rocks. This is your cue to hop off the shit-buggy you are driving and head out for whatever catches your fancy.


There are some more places that I am going to look out for, one weekend at a time. If there are desolated places like these in or around delhi, please drop their names in the comment box. I promise not to visit them.