"I am a different man in the company
of a woman." - Jester of Sodomia
PROLOGUE
I truly am but this fact was rotting
somewhere at the back of mind, coming to fore some 3 months back. The
realization that I hadn't slept with a woman for more than a year and that the
porn I had been watching daily wasn't as rousing as it used to be, was having a
depressing effect on me. Somewhere in last days of June, I decided to dive back
into the game I had eschewed long ago- the Dating game.
My past trysts with this game had been
disappointing. Either I got too attached, or I was completely detached, but I
had never been able to woo a girl to bed, or rather, I couldn't put across to
girls that I wanted to fuck them real bad. So even if any mutual attraction
existed, it gradually dimmed to friendship, and ultimately extinguished (I am
particularly bad at being friends with girls).
In Delhi, it hadn't been much of a
problem, whores were aplenty. Indore, as a city wasn't as courteous. Even the
locals were doubtful if any brothels existed there. But that didn't mean that
my situation was hopeless. Unlike the undergrad hostels, postgrad hostels
placed no restrictions on timings, or movement of boys and girls in premises.
And since you weren't sharing the room with anyone, as long as you had a
consenting girl, you could make some everlasting magic in your 10'*8' room. But
that 'as long as' was a long shot.
CHOICE
The first step, naturally, was to find a
girl to woo. Even if in my imaginarium, I had fucked every second girl on
campus, I had to be careful about whom I was going to approach. Not too
introvert (any sudden approach would raise her hackles), not too outgoing
(trouble finding her alone in first place) and without moral inhibitions (few
hangups about getting physical). In the next few days, I was sizing the girls
who fit this bill. Apparently, those who did were already taken. Except one -SB.
We knew each other by face - she used to date my neighbor in first year hostel.
I had seen her fluttering around his room in cute short knickers and she had
seen me working out outside my room countless number of times, but we were
never formally introduced. However, in 4th term, we ended up having many
subjects in common.
She was a bit of front bencher - a place
people usually dreaded. So she used to sit out alone, sitting duck for
predators like me (much later, I would be eating my own words - the role
reversed big time). In the next lecture, I talked myself into sitting next to
her. I pretended to be very attentive to the lecture, occasionally answering
the questions professor asked, taking notes in my best handwriting - basically
trying everything to make sure she notices me. She was an athletic nerd - a
jazz dancer, a cyclist, yoga freak (with a body to kill for) and one of the
college toppers. She knew that I too, was no slob when it came to fitness. So I
figured, if I presented myself as one of studious types, 'similar-to-me bias'
will kick in, and she will become more receptive of me.
By the time lecture was over, we still
hadn't exchanged a word. I kept my mouth shut, as when I am unsure of things, I
make a fool of myself by talking. I hoped that, we'll become more communicative
in next few classes. When I stepped out of the hall, it was raining in typical
Indori fashion, 5 steps into that rain and you will be drenched inside-out. As
usual I left my umbrella in my room. Luckily for me, SB was standing right
beside me, taking her umbrella out of her bag.
"Can you share the umbrella? I forgot
to bring mine." I asked, glad that finally words were spoken between us.
"Sure, how about you carry it,"
she said as she handed hers to me.
We walked in silence towards the hostel. I
was careful that she didn't get a drop on her, even if it meant that half my
shoulder was getting doused.
As I stepped under a roofed area, I
returned her the umbrella.
"Thanks SB." I said, as I walked
away in my stiff yet agile gait, not waiting to see whether she was flattered
or creeped out by the fact that I knew her name without her telling me. The
choice had been made.
ASSISTANCE - WITH SPECIAL THANKS TO VIKAS
(30th June)
After I managed to repeat the 'sit next to
her' stunt a couple of more times, I broke the news about my plans about SB to
my sage friend, who had his ways of befriending any girl in 5 minutes.
"Hmmm...so when are you asking her
out?" he asked.
"When my balls give a green
signal." I quipped.
"Don't wait too long, she's going on
exchange program to Germany next term." he patted my shoulder as he told.
Fuck!!! my 'to be' love story came with an
expiry date. I looked at him in bewilderment and just nodded so to conceal my
disappointment.
I spent the night raking my brains about
how to ask her out. When I woke up all groggy, my sage friend was waiting
outside my door. In a rather quick string of words, he told me that SB is not
dating anyone currently, and won't mind meeting me.
Last night's sleeplessness doubled my WTF
expression.
"How did you manage that?", I
blurted in my confusion.
"On chat." he shrugged his
shoulders as he replied, as if it was a the most natural thing.
"What am I supposed to do now?"
I asked.
"Ask her out for real, what
else."
BLUES - WHY DON'T YOU LET ME BE (30th June
- 9 July)
I let the entire day pass away in dallying
the task at hand. At night, while I was having dinner in the mess with my
friends, SB was sitting a few tables away, opposite to me. She and I caught
each other's eye and our gazes stayed locked for more than decent amount of
time. Any doubts about sage pulling my leg were instantly dissipated. I wolfed
down the dinner and paced the corridor for half an hour, wondering what exactly
should I say to her. Finally, I decided to ask her for good old fashioned walk.
Too gutless to call her up, I texted if she wanted to go for a walk.
"It's too late, I am about to hit the
bed. Maybe later." she replied.
Well, she didn't tell me to fuck off, so I
wasn't disappointed. Rather than asking her out again next day, I waited for
two days to pass. I wanted to keep desperation at bay at least initially. After
2 days, with a quivering heart, I called her and invited for a walk. This time
she agreed promptly.
We rambled on for next one and a half an
hour, chatting about interests (which we had many in common), places traveled,
people pissed, and scenery as it appeared. I am usually a poor talker, but that
night, words flowed smoothly between us. When I came back, my friends, who know
my clumsiness with girls, smiled their cunning smiles and asked, "So, What
happened?"
"We walked and talked, and she has
great stamina for walking."
A loud laughter followed, as they
connected stamina in general to stamina in bed.
Sensing that I didn't have much to offer
them, they moved on to other things to make fun of.
On the next walk, that took place after
another two days, we went to a secluded and rather dark vantage point in campus
that overlooks Indore city. SB stepped on a platform that paralleled the
railing and started walking on it in a rhythmic movement, probably reminiscing
the dance steps she used to practice. I walked beside her on the ground,
dwarfed almost by a foot. (Was it a subconscious move to demonstrate who was
boss? - probably I am thinking too much).
SB asked me a question, I couldn't make
sense of, "What are your plans for the future?"
"An easy 9 to 5 job that leaves me
with sufficient time to pursue my hobbies," I told her almost
automatically.
"So, when do you plan to
settle?" she asked.
"I don't have any such plans. I want
to live in this mode till I am 40 and then commit suicide." I told.
"Probably on sleeping pills and
carbon monoxide, I would hate to die a painful death." I added as an
afterthought.
She nodded, trying to sink in an answer
she wasn't expecting.
"You know, you should count your
blessings whenever thought of suicide comes to your mind." Thus began the
lecture.
"Even if I don't get the job I love,
or I meet an accident and get handicapped, I would love to keep on living for
the sake of people I hold dear."
"Then I guess, I am one of the
selfish kind, I would rather see myself dead than rotting, even if it means
inflicting pain to my dear ones." This dialogue came straight from the
heart. I hated to imagine myself getting old and useless.
"Hmmmm..." she pondered.
"To each one his own I guess,"
she added.
An awkward silence hung in the air for a
while. I decided to break it. "What are your plans once you get through
college?"
"Earn some money, repay my loan, get
married in another 3 years," she told.
I winced at the M word, but not enough for
her to see.
"To each one his own I guess," I
said as we headed back to our hostel rooms.
I seemed to have hit a wall with SB after
that walk. My attempts to spend time with her were rebutted with excuses of
assignments and eating out. After almost a week of last walk, I caught hold of SB
on lunch table, where she simply
nodded to my presence, and kept herself deliberately engrossed in eating her
lunch. Not a meaningful word exchanged between us. I was completely ignored and
although I hate to admit, it hurt me.
That night, I called SB, and asked if
something was bothering her, and how her ignoring me sure bothered me a hell
lot. There was a 10 second (could have been 3 seconds- but it seemed pretty
long to me) pause on the other side. She was weighing her words carefully.
"Ankit, remember when I asked you
about your future plans?" she asked.
"I do."
"I was hinting about what you had in
mind, whether you were looking for commitment & relationship. Because I
can't enter into a relationship at all. I have my reasons." She said in a
single breath.
Shocked as I was, I blurted incoherently
about how her grace and free spirit (she didn't mind telling people to fuck off
on their face if they pissed her off) attracted me to her and made me approach
her. If she didn't want to be in a relationship, it was fine with me. I hung
up, surprisingly feeling less hurt than I thought I should have been. In fact I
was glad that for once in my life I took a shot at girl, even if I missed by
miles.
Next day, for a change, she invited me for
a walk, probably to check if I was seething with anger towards her. I wasn't,
so the walk didn't turn out to be a drudge. Both of us pulled it as normally as
we could, making sure that there was at least a foot of distance between us.
My friends, who knew about my inexperience
with girls, tried to cheer me up, recounting their own failures and the
futility of pursuing girls. (Ironically, the Sage was going on date on same
night).
If it ended then and there, both of us
would have gone on living in the pleasant indifference we were living in
earlier. But my lady luck was pissed at me for some reason. It couldn't bear to
see me happy, so she made sure that SB and I cross paths again.
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